With her wide spanning inactivity on gob stoppingly named blog ‘Life the Universe and would you pass the Custard creams’ I decided to catch up with illusive and mono talented writer Gwen Braknell in her Birmingham home to find out what it was that held her up.
Gwen, 22, and recently confirmed to be 5 ft 5”, shepherds me awkwardly through her door and offers me a selection of increasingly unappetising organic teas. I select a beneficial brew that smells of old flannel and we finally settle down in her lounge to begin the interview.
I wonder what it was that kept this great blogger from writing for so long? Had she finally succumb to the Netfilx free trail and shrugged off her free will in exchange for auto play and Emmy nominated watchable drugs? Or perhaps she had discovered a cute new youtube star and needed those extra hours in the middle of the day to catch up on them buying breakfast cereals, or check out a new sped up vid of them making a coffee with one of those eco unfriendly machines that the middle classes park between their food dehydrator and Nutribullet. Or maybe she had simply got lost in the black hole of her Amazon suggestions, read 68 book blurbs in one night and had to have a lye-down before she did something rash like buy a mechanical apple peeler.
I suggest these things, and she nods sagely, as if a little of all is true.
Gwen: You’ve hit on something there Julian. But in truth what happened was I woke up one morning and I had no arse. I was ‘not-arsed’ as the doctors call it, and when I tried to sit down to blog I couldn’t, no matter what I did you see, I simply couldn’t be arsed.
Julian: That’s shocking!
Gwen: It was a shock. But you know-and I want to raise awareness here-it’s actually a condition that will affect 95% of people at some point in their lives. Writing a blog actually put me at greater risk of being not arsed.
Julian: Are there other risk factors?
Gwen: Yes, owning a gym membership, that’s actually the highest risk factor. Also having library books due back, forms to fill in, underappreciated relations to call, or just feeling a bit tired.
Julian: Is there a cure?
Gwen: Not a life long cure, a sufferer will always experience recurring attacks from time to time, but there are effective treatments. New Years eve is one, also public shaming and near death experiences.
Julian: So you’re back to blogging, what helped you?
Gwen: It was a near death experience actually.
Gwen looks teary at this point, I scootch in closer and proffer a Kleenex.
Gwen: It was recycling night, I slipped on an Argos catalogue putting out the bins. I fell backwards and suddenly I really felt my arse, I just knew it was back. The first thing I did after separating the plastics was lurch towards the laptop and began a post.
So there we have it, all this time Gwen has been suffering in silence with a little known medical condition, she could not be arsed. But there is hope for the future, she’s feeling a little better, and hopes to enjoy blogging again. She is also writing this herself only pretending to be interviewed by a man named Julian.