I know it happens monthly and I shouldn’t have these rants,
But thank you Mother Nature, there goes another pair of pants!
It goes by many names; the curse of Eve, the crimson tide, the woman’s time or my personal favourite- squeezing the beetroot, but there is no doubt having periods is a learning curve for women, here are just four things to be learnt.
1) Most girls start their menstruating (funny how that has the word ‘men’ in it) careers with sanitary towels, and those who’s mothers have socked them soundly with tales of toxic shock syndrome stick with them. Speaking of sticking that’s one thing you learn about periods, picture this; you’re in a poky public toilet, your elbows are banging up against the walls of the cubical, you glance at the floor and see an ominous liquid is seeping along the grouting between the tiles and towards your foot, your grappling with a borrowed sanitary towel (with wings) but in your hurry you stick it down wrong so you try to pull it back out of your pants (yes pants because I can’t be doing with the word knickers at a time like this) to realign it. This is where we learn; there is no greater bond on earth than that of two wings of a sanitary towel stuck together. No bond. No matter how hard you pull it they will not come apart, the material will stretch, your fingers will go red, but it won’t move. Frankly I think chiropractors must get a lot of business from women who have strained themselves trying to yank sanitary towels out of their underwear.
2) Before periods a girl’s idea of having a bleed involves runny, very red blood, but of course the blood you encounter in a period is at varying stages of the clotting process. The result is that you produce colours varying from deep brown to bright red, enough shades to fill one of those B&Q colour cards, though having said that I can’t really imagine myself going to the loo, seeing the result of my woman’s curse and thinking ‘that’s it! That’s the colour I want the kitchen!’
3) If you stick your pad in too far back you get what I like to call ‘sanitary towel wedggie’.
4) A man will only mention menstruation after you have asked him, in a perfectly reasonable manner, if he would please, please, for the love of God, to put the milk BACK IN THE FRIDGE after he has used it, and not to let it turn to cheese on the shelf above the radiator in his bedroom! At which point they say something along the lines of ‘that time of the month is it?’ and you smash the bottle of cheesy milk over their head. At all other times though, men seem to feel that talking about menstruation may lead to them contracting it, they squirm and sometimes go into a blind panic when a girl mentions anything to do with it.
If you want to have a bit of fun you could play a game where while talking to a man you put menstruation related words or phrases into normal conversation just to mess with their heads. Things like this; ‘I just got déjà vu, feels like I’m in a different time PERIOD. Gosh look at the rain, such a HEAVY FLOW. Could you turn that TAMPON? Sorry I meant lamp on. Would you like a MENSTURATION? Oops, I meant would you like a Mento?’ This is a fitting punishment when they’ve offhandedly dismissed your very real issue with the milk, suggesting it was just the product of hormones.
Heres a clip of comidian Dylan Moran (who I’m going to see live in a couple of months, exciting!) talking about pms.