In which Gwen feels a poem coming on…

The Kleptomaniac

By Gwen

I can’t complain, you’re rather nice;

Took things in hand when we had mice,

Fixed up all the leaking drains,

Sympathised with period pains,

You fill out all the taxing forms,

You cut the hedge, you mow the lawns,

I’m on cloud nine; I’m on a role,

Life is pretty much top hole,

With just one niggle, one complaint,

But otherwise you’re quite the saint,

One thing that makes days rainier:

Your ragging kleptomania.

It drives me mad, it makes no sense,

When items of a small expense,

Fill and cram your every pocket;

A bar of soap, a model rocket,

A box of chalk, a greenish tent,

An ugly garden ornament,

A piece of art right out the Tate,

A sandwich that was out of date,

A length of rope, four painting stencils,

And all of the IKEA pencils,

Your habit is so underhand,

It’s had us bared and had us banned,

From restaurants in seven states,

Because you tried to nick the plates

I would like to have a meal,

Without your dreadful urge to steal,

Rearing up its ugly head,

And making off with all the bread,

So have a thought for how I feel,

When you smuggle and conceal,

All this junk and all this tat,

Inside coat and under hat,

You’ve had a grilling from the cops,

For terrorising all the shops,

But what really sends me on these rants,

Is hiding stuff inside your pants.

If you steal books in reams and reams,

The pressure on your trouser seams,

Makes them pretty sure to rip,

From the ankle to the hip,

And with the force of such a load,

Your trousers pretty much explode,

Leaving me red in the face,

And you a trouser-less disgrace,

Standing there in no man’s land,

Surrounded by your contraband,

Looking dumb and looking daft,

Feeling quite a dreadful draft,

Down the legs and round the knee,

Right where your trousers used to be,

As if it wasn’t bad enough,

Caught nicking all that silly stuff,

It doesn’t do to be half dressed,

As you’re placed under arrest,

So if you don’t want us to chuck-it,

Your habit has to kick the bucket!


About Gwen and Elinor

Two bloging buddies who love tea and biscuits.
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