It may seem odd, but I want to talk to you about bras. It’s not really odd at all, just a chesty fact of life, but some women get very embarrassed at the merest mention. I remember one occasion when I offhandedly mentioned some bra related trivia to a female friend, in a room full of breasts-I mean women- (but y’know, they’d brought their breasts), and she looked at me as if I’d asked her to describe the details of the last time she had defecated.
Men can be spilt into to camps I think. Those who are allergic to any mention of the bosom cups, as they can be known, and will have run off for a lie down after reading the title of this post. And those who are really very curious about the whole boob system, they want to understand what the M&S adverts mean when they boast about stocking over a DD, and what women mean when they say they’ve gone from a 34 to a 32 even though her breasts are plainly bigger. These are the men who, after reading this title, will run of for a cup of coffee and a few rich teas and settle down to read this post with the greatest interest.
Not that I speak from any vantage point of expertise on the matter. You would think being a bra wearing woman would be a good start, but given that so many are bobbing about in the wrong size, then apparently not. Not that a fitting will necessarily help, as I have it on good authority that they are often carried out to the shoddiest standards. Someone really must crack down on this, in what other customer service can you stab a woman in the armpit with a piece of wire and get away with it?
(I break off from writing this post for a few moments to do some bra research and come back with this news) These bad fitters are suffocating, skin itching, turd meddlers! That’s right, a bad bra can cause IRRITABLE BOWL SYNDROME. This news has shocked me, I need a cup of tea, what can be done? I think I’ll have to become a bra agony aunt, agony being the operative word. Here are a few dear Gwen’s;
‘Help! My breasts have multiplied!’
This is the classic four, or even six, boob issue. Your cup size is too small and your boobs are tying to escape the tyranny of your padded prison. Like angry elephants or bereaved friends, your boobs need space. Try a bigger cup.
‘Help! My bra can climb!’
Ahhh, the back scaling bra. The band the makes it’s way gradually up over your shoulder blades, and is hanging off your ears by lunch time. Not to worry my dear, you need a smaller back size, but remember, when the band gets smaller, the cup gets smaller. So if you’re a 34C you need a 32D in order to remain the same in the cup.
‘Help! My breasts are trying to kill me!’
When one’s underwire stabs one in the armpit one really does feel, ‘what have I done to deserve this?’ It’s very sad, but why does it happen. Well, this one is tricky to pin point, your back size may be too big, or your cup size too small, or you may just not suit that make of bra. Remember, different companies make different bras so you may find another, less stabby bra elsewhere.
‘Help, oh God help! All my bras are big, ugly and expensive. I don’t like them and I feel so depressed about it. I’ve been sitting in my house comfort eating and watching countdown for weeks. Help me Gwen.’
Many of us feel this way when stuck in a bad relationship with our bras. What seemed like a beautiful romance under the shop lights, turns out to be a painful, expensive and demoralising number of weeks. Anything over a D and you can no longer afford food just to keep your boobs contained. The frilly bits are ugly, you suspect your Nan has a similar model, and it’s not long before you can no longer look your bra in the eye.
Well, indulge in some internet boob dating and look at these. The Debenhams Gorgeous range has an affordable selection of bras in nice patterns.
Well I hope this has helped, if you have any questions of you own do ask.
ps. Here is a clip from that famous episode of Fr Ted, a group of priests stuck in the lingerie section, enjoy.