Do Not Unwrap Before the Checkout

Your je ne sais quoi,
Didn’t get you very far,
When that copper tried to nick you,
For going naked to the spar,
Got no paddle, up a creek,
A crack in your argument,
So to speak,
A supper market’s no place to streak,

And as you wandered to the Heinz,
We were quick to dial the nines,
No doubt shoplifting things,
Where the sun never shines,

The tannoy gave a fizzle-pop,
An atmosphere throughout the shop,
Assistant in a pinafore,
Slowly, slowly, squeezed the mop,
“Hey nudey on aisle four,
“This means all out war,
“But for the sake of health and safety,
“Do mind the slippy floor”

“All hands to battle stations!
“It’s a nudist confrontation
“Don’t panic- seize a weapon!”
(I grabbed a tin of celebrations)

I dived behind a trolley,
And deftly launched a volley,
But he returned in kind,
With a massive head of cauli,
The veggie took me out,
So he slapped me with a trout,
And I’ll tell you this for nothing,
That bare man had some clout,
Then with stars before my eyes,
I grabbed a box of Kipling pies,
And used the pointy corner bit,
To stab him in the thighs,
He staggered back, he shed a tear,
I shoved a breadstick in his ear,
But even after all of this,
He gave a most suggestive leer,

Then came the real attack;
Potatoes in a sack,
He lobbed them at my chest,
And I landed on my back,
“I’m dead!” I thought,
“A spud onslaught!”
“This is it…
“…unless…I have…a last…resort…”

Then to my relief and satisfaction,
With scattered muesli to give her traction,
Mop girl lunged with a caution sign,
And got his head with a pincer action,
She had him trapped,
The breadstick snapped,
I kicked his legs,
He fell and flapped,

Calling the cops had been the right tactic,
As the fuzz arrived with their rush of static,
Battered the door with their battering ram,
Didn’t realise it was automatic,
“Just south of jams and spreads,
“We’ve got a felon with no kecks,
“A team take his head,
“B team, you’ve got the legs”

Strip lights lit the stripped fight,
His pale flesh shone up white,
The coppers copped an eye full,
And they cuffed him extra tight,
“Now settle down , I’ve rights to read
“(We’d normally frisk but I see no need),
“If there were weapons on your person,
“We’d all be up to speed!”

The criminal just wore his pout,
But I for one was in no doubt,
That shop enforced the policy,
Do not unwrap before the checkout.



About Gwen and Elinor

Two bloging buddies who love tea and biscuits.
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One Response to Do Not Unwrap Before the Checkout

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